2.1. Who says they're cannibals?

In a small, dusty town in the middle of the desert, failed-bard-turned-stuntman Justice Beaver has just finished his japery when he’s approached by a man who introduces himself as Lord Harrow. He offers to employ Justice to go to Decembria and find his daughter, Beulah.

One week later...

Justice performs his “act” in front of a stonefaced crowd outside the city walls of Decembria, one of the few true cities that withstands the unforgiving Odo Desert. From among the crowd, he spots a few faces that seem likely to help him find the missing girl.

This, specifically, is the chain
wrapped around Tomi's fist.

• Kelly AC Slater, a 6'9" surfer lookin' dude, very laid back but definitely with a glimmer of murderous rage deep in his eyes; 
• Hans "Nakatomi" "Tomi" McLean, an unsettling biological experiment by the shadowy Nakatomi corporation, with a chain wrapped around his fist;
• Don the Warlock, a shadowy figure with more magic than his name implies;
• Feloriel Mithyeaseer, the near-mute assassin last seen when all those Christmas zombies came around, and;
• Ulrich Grood, the massive, massive dude with a huge weapon who regularly scares off enemies by screaming in their faces, who’s been zapped into this dimension after his last stint acting in a play (see Oni Macaroni).

They march up to the city gates and demand to be let in. Justice claims he’s got a gig booked inside, but nobody has any paperwork to prove it. Negotiations don’t go well, and Justice gets an arrow in the thigh. Ulrich screams in the guard’s face, who slams shut the porthole and runs away.

Some of the stonefaced slumdwellers have gathered to watch. As the guards begin to lose their patience, a boy gets their attention - “There’s other ways into the city! You don’t have to die at the gate!” The party bravely retreats from the gate and follows the boy.

Back in the slums, they stop and question the boy. He says he can get them through the wall, through a sewer grate that is unguarded for a few minutes at 2am every morning. They ask him where Beulah Harrow is. At the name, he gets scared and tries to run, but Hans wraps his chain around the kid’s neck. They question the kid further, but their questioning is vague and their perception rolls are all very low, so they learn very little and the terrified child eventually escapes into the alleys.

Like this, but more desert-y.

They follow the general direction of the crowd to the edge of the Pit. People are snuffing powder, drinking foul-smelling liquor, and stamping their feet in approval while at the Pit’s bottom, an old man with a sharpened rock is fighting an eight foot worm. Justice hops in, doing a few victory laps and whipping up the crowd (who stamp a lot). Feloriel, Don and Ulrich join the fray, and kill the worm with a flurry of arrows and blows—though not before it kills the old man—as well as it’s larger cousin, which busts through the wall into the pit next. A third and yet larger worm appears as they beat a hasty retreat.

Their bravery and showmanship endears them to the crowd. Topside, Kelly and Hans have been whipping the slumdwellers into a foot-stomping lather, and they lead a charge towards the city gates.

“Fuck!” say the guards. “Okay, okay, you can come in—just leave those cannibals outside!”

1.0. Gladiators

It all started in a jail cell, several stories down in the dungeons of Isla. The guards roused two gigantic, surly prisoners and dragged them up through the halls to the coliseum arena, where they were thrown out in front of a crowd, including Emperor Aelwyn XIV.

Goblin. Dead.

Baron Von Spiderman, a 6’9”, 420 pound half-orc, and the one-named Droog, a 6’11” half man half dragon, entertained the crowd by demolishing several goblins and a goblin boss, befriended a vicious dog who was immediately ripped apart by an ogre, then killed said ogre, all without moving their feet from the center of the arena.

They were then shot by tranquilizer darts and dragged back into the dungeon.

1.1. The Most Dangerous Game

Intrigued by the performance, Emperor Aelwyn had the prisoners brought to him in his throne room.

“I’m sending you into the forest,” he said. “Someone’s gone missing – go and find Darian Small, and when you find him blow this whistle.”

They responded with something like “fuck you” and got clubbed over the head, then woke up in the forest. They ventured forth and stumbled into an owlbear which charged them. None other than Darian Small appeared from the woods with a yodel and helped them kill it. Small explained the scenario: they were all nothing but prey in a Most Dangerous Game-type deal for the prince to hunt. Just then Prince Kyler Hallwinter’s hunting horn echoed through the forest.

Giant eagle, definitely too powerful for level 2 characters.

Fuck this, the party decided, and Droog turned into a giant eagle. Baron climbed on top and they attempted to fly away, only to discover that no matter how far they flew, they kept passing the same scenery. The forest seemed to repeat itself…

Seeing that fucking off was not going to work, they landed and found a clifftop vantage point. From here, they killed the Prince’s guards with rocks, then charged down and murdered Prince Kyler. The evil magician merely chuckled as they killed the prince, then tossed them a golden ring. They decided to go back to the castle to rest.

1.2. Dingus Joins, Frustrates The Gang

The Emperor summoned them the next day, seemingly pleased with the fact that they’d killed Prince Kyler Hallwinter. He was impressed by their abilities, and told them he had a job to offer them, for which they would be handsomely rewarded.

Baron Von Spiderman suggested they kill the Emperor, but Droog talked him out of it. They were then joined in the throne room by a bizarre little man who seemed to have mechanical pieces built into his flesh, including a third mechanical arm that reached out of his back. He loudly introduced himself as Dingus Bobingus, a being that had lived his entire life being tortured and experimented on, and who therefore had few social graces and a tendency to attack things.

Worg. Dead.

The Emperor said that orcs had been spotted around Lake Tumba, up in the mountain. Lake Tumba is the principal supply of water for the whole city, and if it fell into orc hands it could be disastrous. He tasked them with dealing with the orc problem. He also instructed them to drain the lake, though didn’t explain why.

The three set off on a wagon to travel up the mountain. They were ambushed by goblins, killed some of them, and chased them to their foul goblin cave, where they also kill a worg or two. They charged into the cave and hid in a corner. From outside they could hear another group of goblins coming back, and from the cave’s main chamber they could hear strange electronic music.

In their short time together, Dingus Bobingus drove Baron and Droog to the point of madness with his obnoxious voice, but they did come to appreciate his bloodthirsty nature.

1.3. Welcome to Sleazetown

Orc. He's dead.

While they took a breather in the cave, Dingus Bobingus vanished into thin air. The howling of the returning scout party was getting closer, so they pressed ahead into the next chamber of the cave. Inside was a strange little halfling somehow manipulating a stone into producing Aphex Twin-like electro synth music. He was chained to the wall, clearly a captive entertainer for the goblins in this cave.

On a ledge above, a large orc was berating a goblin for not turning in their report on time. “You’re letting people slip through all over the place,” he said, smashing the goblin’s face into the desk. Then he noticed the music had stopped.

A fight ensued, in which Droog, Baron Von Spiderman and the newly released musician Dr Sleaze killed two worgs and chased the fleeing orc out a secret back passageway. (A ghost in the passageway was ravenous for live goblins on whom it could exact revenge for the murder of its family.)

Coming out into the light of day, the party saw the orc running for the treeline, but a well aimed shot from Dr Sleaze caught him in the back of the head, killing him. They camped for the night and Dr Sleaze serenaded them with grating and inaccessible electro from his rock.

1.4. Christmas Zombies

When they awoke the next morning, there was a light snow falling. There were some new faces. For one, Dingus Bobingus had returned. There was also a third giant hulking menace in the form of Ulrich Gud, a 6’8” paladin with a glowing axe and an occasional Russian accent, and a mysterious hooded assassin who introduced himself as Feloriel Mithyeaseer. Dingus and the two newcomers say they’ve teleported here from a desert, where the sun beat down on them relentlessly for an unknowable period of time. Dingus, for one, is glad to be back, and he’s got a nasty sunburn.

Too spooky.

They hiked up the mountain. Towards evening, Ulrich began to get a tingling sensation in his head that told him there were undead creatures near. They came upon a pathway into the forest, where they could just make out a crumbling church and an old graveyard. The party agreed it was too spooky, and continued on up the original path.

Soon, the path was running alongside an aqueduct, clearly of imperial design. They saw a guard tower up ahead, in which a fire was burning. Sneaking up to the base of the tower, they could hear bickering goblins up above. They lured one down and killed it. They climbed up and killed a second and a third, and discovered a little boy tied up.

“Thank you for saving me!” he said. “But please, come with me – orcs have tied up my family to eat them for Christmas dinner! They gave me to the goblins because I was littlest!”

Zombie goblins. Undead.

Ulrich didn’t trust the kid and brandished his axe threateningly in his face. Timmy, the boy, was terrified and swore not to betray them.

In the meantime, several goblins had lurched out of the woods and were shambling towards them. The gang kicked the shit out of one until it was almost dead. They told the child that, to earn their trust, he would have to stab this goblin to death.

In a frenzy, the boy attacked it, but despite plunging the dagger in over and over, the goblin kept coming. They tried killing it themselves, but it still wouldn’t die.

“The legend must be true!” said the boy. “You can’t kill zombies on Christmas!”

More zombies come staggering out of the trees. Timmy leads them up the road and through the woods to his family's hut, the zombies in slow, shuffling pursuit. There are five worgs guarding the cottage, and inside they hear screams of pain and coarse laughter.

Orc shaman. Way dead.

Peeking in the window, they saw a large Orc Shaman, adorned with magical trinkets, and several other orcs grilling the severed legs of the boy’s father over the fire. Dingus and Feloriel climbed to the roof and blocked up the chimney, filling the cottage with smoke. Dr Sleaze snuck around back and inspected the chicken coop, discovering a bag full of ears. Droog, Baron and Ulrich utterly destroyed the worgs out front.

At the same moment that Droog, Baron and Ulrich bust in the front door, Feloriel and Dingus drop down the chimney, and Dr Sleaze hops in a back window. The scene inside is utter chaos, as blood flies and the family screams. Timmy appeared, and charged the Orc Shaman with the dagger – someone fired a killing shot as the orc was about to decapitate the boy.

As orc blood is soaking into the floor, a window is busted in and a shambling figure starts climbing in the window moaning for brains. But the clock strikes 12:01, and the zombie suddenly looks much healthier. “Uncle Farg!” the boy says. “He’s come for Christmas dinner!”

They all sat down to a celebratory dinner of Father’s leg steaks. They patched up Father’s leg stumps, and tapped a large barrel of wine to get him drunk enough not to feel the pain. Merry Christmas, everyone.

1.5. Orc Stew

Ghost. Terrified by Ulrich.

After the drunken revelry, everyone was awoken by an earthquake. Dingus and Feloriel had disappeared in the night. The family was used to the quakes by this time, and fed them and sent them on their way. Mother gifted them with a large bag of dried herbs and several healing potions.

They continued on up the mountain. Dr Sleaze climbed up to above the tree cover and saw that the top of the mountain was smoking and steaming, and the gang was pretty sure they were climbing an active volcano.

They walked into a circle of rocks on the ground, and a spectral figure appeared, angered by their disrespect. Ulrich smashed it in the head with his glowing axe and screamed in its face, causing it to flee instantly.

Beneath the tree cover, the air was filling with steam, and they soon came upon some boiling pools of water. Several cooked orcs were floating in the water, others were fishing for their friends’ corpses, and the gang definitely murdered everyone, then evaded the tentacles that came out of the pools grabbing for the fresh blood.

1.6. The Mountain Shortcut

Phalen, the friendly dwarf spy. Dead.

Out from behind a rock stepped a dwarf, clad in Imperial armour. He called the gang over and told them that he too was on a mission to get rid of the orcs, but his comrades have just been wiped out by a rockfall. Nonetheless, he knows a secret path through the mountain to a vantage point above the orc camp.

Just then they heard a party of orcs tramping towards them through the mist, and while Baron wants to stay and murder them all, the gang convinces him that they really should take the shortcut through the mountains.

Under the mountain they encounter a flaming skull, which attacks them, until Ulrich, at Baron’s command, smashes it into a million pieces with his axe. They find some cool stuff, like bracers of defence, a ring of fire resistance, a crown of disguise, and an invisibility potion.

Flameskull. Toast.

They proceeded on to a room where a bunch of weirdos in robes had been hung by their ankles over lava vents. Before they noticed, their dwarf escort had run ahead, leaving them behind as the lava was rising.

They ran after him, stumbling onto the feet of a giant who was already kinda pissed. The dwarf was there, so they murdered him. They evaded the giant and made it to the top of the room, where they could see an escape door, but realized that the dwarf, who they’d murdered back at the bottom, had the key. Dr Sleaze made a daring sprint down to retrieve it, and the gang stumbled out the door just in time.

1.7. Orc Camp Shitstorm

Outside, they overlooked the orc camp below. It spread out by the shore of Lake Tumba, which was boiling and bubbling with steam. The ground shook again.

Ogres. Running amok.

Some orcs approached with a prisoner in chains, another weirdo in a robe. They killed the orcs, and the weirdo introduced himself as Fungi Zarathustra, leader of the local mountain death cult. The orcs have enslaved his cult, he says, through sinister mind control, to prevent the volcano from erupting out the top – instead it will erupt out the side, flowing down and destroying the capital city entirely. Also, the death cult won’t get to die in the eruption, which they’re bummed about.

The five decided to attack the orc camp, and went with a subtle opening gambit. Baron Von Spiderman drank the invisibility potion and started rolling barrels of oil into various campfires, causing utter chaos and destruction. The others forged ahead, murdering seemingly at random, and
cutting loose the hulking ogres that were operating giant piledriver apparatuses. Shit went seriously sideways.

Fungi jumped down into the slave pit and attempted to inspire his fellow cultists to revolt against the orcs. It took a very long time to convince them, but eventually they charged the gate, where many of them were savaged by guard worgs. Nonetheless, the numbers overwhelmed the dogs, and insane death cult members fled in terror.

1.8. The Great Escape

The chaos continued, and they murdered more orcs, the orc shaman, and a bunch of worgs. They ran for a boat on the shore, but familiar tentacles were whipping around over the beach. Baron attacked one, and was pulled deep into the lake.

Kraken. Airborne.

Making it onto the boat, the rest of the party rowed madly for where Baron was flailing, with the orc warlord in hot pursuit. Just as the water below began to glow red, they see a gigantic kraken breach the water. It leapt up into the air, a majestic sight, and came down, maw open, to swallow their boat whole as the lake erupted.

The gang found themselves in a hot, dark, wet kraken stomach. The orc warlord lurches out of the digestive liquids for a final attack. They party was aided by an ancient old man in a crown, who swung in on intestines like Tarzan to hit the orc from behind.

He introduced himself as King Aelfric, and he seemed a bit insane. He couldn’t say how long he’d been trapped inside this kraken, but he said that he really took a shining to them. In fact, if they would help him retake the Imperial throne, he would grant them any title they desired. Baron was given the presidency, Droog became King of the Army and Treasury, Fungi became Head of the Church, and Dr Sleaze became Court Musician.

1.9. Oni Macaroni

Oni. Dead.
Definitely also had a glaive.

Just then the kraken slammed into the forest below and exploded open on the trees. A whole bunch of people seemed to vanish upon impact, reducing the party drastically: the only ones not warped to the desert dimension are Dr Sleaze, hulking Ulrich, and Droog.

As the sky turned black with smoke, King Aelfric urged them on, leading the way to his River Keep. It was the perfect place to take shelter from a volcano, he said.

However, when they went inside the River Keep, they found it haunted by an Oni, a ghost that took many forms and wielded a terrible glaive. The party noticed one weakness in the terrible specter — it was desperate for culture. Capitalizing on the ghost's need, Droog and Ulrich performed a two-man play which captivated the Oni's attention. Dr Sleaze, of course, provided the soundtrack on his rock, while also sneaking behind the monster and slamming it in the back of the head.

Deciding the play had run its course, Ulrich and Droog also attacked, and together they were victorious. Droog swiped the glaive. They took a rest.